All the Whos in Ladueville liked Christmas a lot.

But the Zilch who lived just south of Ladueville did not.

The Zilch hated Christmas the whole Christmas season,

Go ahead ask her she knows just the reason

It’s not the trees though she hates all the chopping

It’s not the house cleaning, the sweeping the mopping

It appears that the most likely reason of all,

Is the Zilch cannot stand to visit the mall.


She hated the mall trip. Who knows what the reason?

So she fretted and dreaded the holiday season.

One Who stole her spot, the next dinged her car.

The Body Shop ran out of the chamomile bar.

The saleswho at Nieman’s was such a huge *#%*#,

She bought the damn belt at Abercrombie and Fitch.

They actually have a store called Forever Twenty-one

For delusional cougars out for some fun.


The Zilch stopped and she rested on fake Santa’s lap.

Wondering when is the sale at The Gap?

Will the Apple store run out of their latest iPhone?

Where did she see that massage chair? It must be Brookstone.

Banana Republic, B. Dalton, J. Crew

What’s that? A Nordstrom, now there’s something new.

More options! The Zilch didn’t know what to do.

Couldn’t Santa drop the crap down the fireplace flue?


Then the Zilch thought of something she hadn’t before…

Maybe Christmas, she thought didn’t come from a store.

Maybe Christmas, she thought, would give her a lift,

With a new present tactic, namely regift!

Give Rose the bird feeder Jan gave to her

Give mom that picture frame made out of fur.

Nana will love the vase shaped like a goose

And that three-year-old fruitcake at last has a use!


The Zilch laughed as she wrapped each gift beaming with pride

Not knowing in most the old card was inside.

She cackled and hooted at her new Christmas tack,

Not knowing that next year she’d get it all back.

What the heck, it’s worth toe socks from old Uncle Max

If it means avoiding a fight at the sale rack at Sacks.

It’s a message as old as St. Nick  and St. Michael

Remember at Christmas—like always—recycle!