I’m on Facebook. I’m not proud. Admittedly, I really only check the site to monitor Cranky’s postings—what boys she’s posing with, scanning a photo for a stray can of beer in the background—but a problem has emerged. Facebook no longer is the cool college social networking hub it was in 2005. Now it’s the 21st century equivalent of a slide carousel of your neighbor’s family vacation. It’s the digital version of cropping, and worst of all, it apparently is the world’s most unproductive cure for boredom. I’ve realized something: Facebook isn’t cool anymore.
The other night at dinner, a friend announced with unabashed pride that he wasn’t on Facebook. Heck, my coolest friend shut down her Facebook page more than a year ago. Oh, and forget about Cranky and her teenage friends. They jump from social media sites like crickets—by the time they’re all caught up on Twitter, they’ve moved on. So where does that leave Facebook? More importantly, where does that leave us?
Over the years, Facebook shyness has certainly waned—you know that fear that if you post something about sneaking more than 4 ounces of mouthwash into your carry-on bag, Homeland Security will show up at your door. The reason being that most posts are forgotten in the time it takes to type them. That being said, I have noticed that people who post on Facebook—myself included—develop a certain, shall we say, signature style. So let’s peel the onion—what’s your Facebook personality?
Now, while I love these kind of posts—sunset in Majorca, zip-lining in Costa Rica—I also hate them. Yes, you’re fabulous. You go to exotic destinations. You take breathtaking photographs and eat Michelin-rated meals. So? A friend of mine lent me her house in the Ozarks a couple of years ago. You don’t see me rubbing that in anyone’s face.
As one might guess, I fall into this category. The quipper posts funny little observations—sort of a cyber-Seinfeld. Nine months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom. Love a good quip. It brightens my day.
I Have the Cutest Kids in the World
We all think we have the world’s cutest kids, and we’ve been showing people pictures of them since the invention of the camera. Sure, Facebook allows for an onslaught of adorable toddlers, but so what? Kids are cute. Which leads me to the next breed of poster:
Animals are Funny/Adorable/Loyal/Human/Sweet/Talented/Charming/Intelligent
I think you see where I’m going with this. Then there is the worst possible type of post, the scourge of Facebook. The post that made Facebook uncool:
I’ve Got Nothing
If you have nothing to say, don’t speak; and more important, don’t type. These are actual FB posts on my page:Every marker in the box is dried out. Guess I’m headed back to Target. Then there was, Had an OK day. Tried Diet Mountain Dew. Really? I don’t know how I would have survived the day not knowing that. Why do bank tellers feel the need to make pleasant chit-chat when there is a huge line??? I may have posted that one, but there has to be a more productive way to vent.
Promote a business. Post an inspirational message. Mark a birthday or an anniversary. And maybe with a little wit and intelligence, we can make Facebook cool again. Well, wit, intelligence and several million teenagers.