Disclaimer: This is Humor!
So instead of trying to fake it, I’ve decided to declare my mediocre parenting style a “philosophy” and shout it from the rooftops.
Here are my 10 Imperfect Mom Truths. (Please tell me I’m not the only one to believe these.)
Vegetables are overrated.
I know, I know, they’re important for the “physical health” of your child and prevent things like Ricketts, rotten teeth and the distended stomachs that malnourished kids have on those food-famine programs. But here in the United States, children are not going to eat them until they’re at least 6 years old, maybe 7. Thank goodness for gummy vitamins.
TV is awesome.
First off, it’s an excellent babysitter. Just let the kids watch episode after episode of iCarly and you can find time to Facebook-stalk, wipe after you pee or purge your closet of your husband’s ugliest clothes while he’s at work. Plus, it can teach new vocabulary words. Just the other day, my daughter wanted to know what a lesbian is after watching an episode of Glee.
It’s OK to have your kids do some of the unsavory chores.
My parents taught me this parenting principle, so you can thank them. Why weed the garden when you have children who constantly do naughty things and need some time to “think about what they did” while engaging in some manual labor in the backyard? Also, they wanted that damn cat—let them scoop the litter.
Sharing is lame.
We spend the first five years of a child’s life drilling into them that they need to share. And then as soon as we put them on a soccer field or in an Easter egg hunt, we’re all, “Get those little buggards!” Let’s just fast-forward a bit and use the time they spend in the time-out chair for more productive things, like watching TV or learning the difference between a flower and a weed.
A strong desire for expensive things is character-building.
I always tell my kids things like, “If you want a trampoline, be really nice to someone who has one, because I’m certainly not buying you one.” I really feel this will help shape them into kind, charming, likeable youths.
Quality time with your child after 9 PM is unnecessary.
All children, even the older ones, should disappear into their bedrooms by 8 or 9 PM. They don’t necessarily have to sleep, they just need to be quiet. They should probably go to bed earlier if they’re too young to watch reality TV or expect you to share all the good snacks. Keep in mind that you’ll appreciate them more in the morning if you’ve had a chance to miss them.
Well-cooked food should only be served on holidays.
When it comes to food preparation, keep your child’s expectations low. Why use an oven when you can use a microwave? Why get involved in activities that involve the use of terms such as “sauté,” “julienne” and “mince”? It’s just a time-consuming way to make a mess of your kitchen and only results in your children whining about the absence of the “nugget” food group on their plate.
It’s OK to lie to your child when it’s going to save you time or effort.
OK, “lie” may be too strong a word. But does your toddler really need to know that you’re not going to Chick-Fil-A because you’d rather go home, eat a microwaveable pizza and watch Modern Family? No. Those words are just an invitation for a tantrum. Just tell him that it’s Sunday and Chick-Fil-A is closed. You can think of a new lie once he figures out how to interpret a calendar.
Always tell your kids you’re very, very poor.
That way, when they ask for something that you just don’t want to give them, you can be all, “I’m sorry. We’re very, very poor.” This avoids answering all sorts of complicated questions, like: “Why can’t I have a little brother?” (Because you never go away so we can have sex.) Or “Why don’t you ever buy Double Stuf Oreos?” (Because I’ll eat them all myself and then resent you for making me buy them.) Or “Why don’t we ever visit Aunt Rebecca?” (Because she’s in jail on drug charges.)
“Overachiever” is another word for “tired.”
Don’t be that mom who thinks she’s the only one who knows how to care for the children and the house the right way. Well, it’s OK to think that, but play along so you can get a nap. Let Daddy bathe the baby, even if he fails to use soap. Let Grandma drive your daughter to dance class, even if she has no idea what “acro” means. It’s win-win: You’ll get some peace and quiet and earn the satisfaction of rolling your eyes at their mishaps later.
Leave A Comment